Monday, February 15, 2010

3 Sure Fire Ways to Implode Your Social Media Following

There are literally dozens of people eagerly awaiting this post (that's including my father, so in advance thanks Pops for the "Like" on Facebook) so, I better get to it before we have a full on riot on our hands, or more accurately a small collection of mildly perturb people.

As many of us know we are constantly being bombarded with advice on how to improve, enhance, increase, upgrade etc.our social media followings, but very few people are detailing the best ways to implode a social media following.  And when I see a void I fill it! It's just my nature. 

I am addressing those people out there that are sick of being tied down to their Twitter accounts and Facebook pages. Those of us who can't bare the thought of staring at another stream, throwing out another retweet, or believing  that social media is actually social. I mean really, when did sitting in front of a computer all day become a social activity? 

So, on the assumption that you have a social media following in the first place (why are you here if you don't?)

Here are my 3 sure fire ways to implode your social media following:

Ignore People, Then Get Angry 
Here's the scenario: Some customer has posted a negative comment about you, your company, or your product on one or all of the various social media outlets. 

Step 1-
Ignore this person for as long as possible. This may require weeks or even months of self restraint and discipline on your part. Your goal here is to get this person as angry as humanly feasible. When they have reached the peak of their anger and it is just about to subside you move on to...

Step 2- 
Launch an aggressive, hate filled counter attack and get very angry, I am talking Michael Douglas "Wall Street" angry or Christian Bale angry. You want to call this person names, express to them that they are a liar, and tell them that they most likely emit a foul body odor. Tracking them down and slapping them around Gordon Gekko style is also an excellent approach. Keep in mind that your ultimate goal is to turn this single angry customer into an army of angry customers sure to destroy your social media following and perhaps even your entire business.

Sell, Sell and Sell Some More
A lot of social media "gurus" will tell you that social media is the place where you can add a more personal aspect to your business. It gives people the opportunity to see your business as more then just an entity, but as a place where actual human beings work. This is a great strategy if you want to build a strong social media following, but we are here to destroy our following like Jeff Zucker destroyed NBC (I'm still bitter over Conan).

Instead of trying to interact with your customers/fans/followers just sell to them all the time and make sure you continually use the same pitch so that it becomes stale, uninteresting and eventually aggravating. You will want to tweet/post this message at least ten times a day... the more the better actually. You should probably hire someone whose sole purpose is to bombard all your followers streams with this message, giving you the time to focus on more important things like our next tip.

Be Depressing 
A recent study done by a company who does a lot of social media studies, found that the most forwarded/retweeted stories are those that inspire awe or good feelings in people. The stories that make people realize just have amazing and unbelievable this world can be gain incredible traction in the social media world. You are going to avoid being an aggregator of this type of content. In fact, you will become an aggregator of the exact opposite type of content.

If you choose to ignore my advice about being personal with your social media accounts, get personal in a way that will surely turn people off. Find stories that are depressing, tweet about how your favorite pet just died in a horrible accident with a Toyota that just would not slow down and that your child, who just got their license that day, their birthday, was the one behind the wheel.  Provide pictures if possible.

Avoid being fun, witty, or interesting. Act is if your job or life in general is slowly sucking all the joy from your soul and watch as your followers recoil from you in fear and loathing.

I would love to hear more ideas on how to implode your social media following because I am fresh out.

Oh and please digg, RT,stumble and share this post, otherwise how will everyone know about it?

Matt Valentine is the Marketing Manager at KDF Reprographics, Inc. providers of Large Format Printing, Vehicle Wraps, Fleet Graphics, Color Scanning, Posters, Banners and Trade Show Displays. To contact Matt or setup an interview please call 888-533-2667 or visit our website @ or you can become a fan on Facebook @ or follow us on Twitter @

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