Tuesday, April 13, 2010

5 Annoying Social Media Users Who Should be Banned Today

By Matt Valentine

They somehow manage to rear their ugly head on all of our friends and followers lists. They are the social media users we love to hate and wish would be banned. Sometimes we keep them on our list out of sheer amusement just to see what they will say next. They are the 5 Annoying Social Media Users Who Should be Banned TODAY!

1- The Excessive Partier

I don’t care how old you are, chances are you have one of these people on your list. The excessive partier is a particularly annoying breed. These are the people whose only interest it seems is to express to the rest of us their inabilities to either A). Get a job or B.) hold their liquor.

Their status updates are a never ending stream of pictures from bars, and clubs and delightful quotes that usually begin with “Dear liver…”  Yes, they actively try to make us believe that they are living the cavalier lifestyles of a Hemingway, or a Hunter S. Thompson only they lack any of the aforementioned talent and their masterpiece is written in 180 characters or less.

Congratulations! You, unlike the rest of the population over 21, are able to go out on a weekend (and in their case weekdays) and drink! We get it, ok? You are special.  Imbibing mass quantities of alcohol and letting us know about it every time you do is what distinguishes you from the rest of us, who imbibe mass quantities of alcohol and don’t feel the need to share it with the world. 

Oh, by the way, if you are wondering why you can’t seem to find a job you do realize potential employers check your Facebook page…right?

2- The Useless Updater

Fairly self explanatory, these are the people who firmly believe that we should all be included on every mundane detail of their incredibly boring lives. Stating that you are “Going to take a shower.” really isn’t something I care to know about unless you are Megan Fox and you’re streaming it live so please stop.

3- The Facebook Gamer

There is, I hope, a special place in social media hell for these people. They constantly spam our streams with their meaningless achievements in virtual worlds like Farmville, Mafia Wars and the like.  “Jan jus completed a mission in Mafia Wars”. “Jan received a yellow ribbon in Farmville.” NO ONE CARES! Let me make that very clear because literally NO ONE CARES!

As excited as you may be that you wasted six months of your life toiling away on your imaginary farm and finally reached your goal of buying a brand new red fantasy barn, the rest of us have lives to lead out in the real world, oh, and did I mention…WE DON’T CARE!  

4- The Gym Junkie

Oh the gym junkie, my personal favorite. They live by a solitary credo stolen directly from the geniuses on the Jersey Shore, GTL. Gym. Tan. Laundry. Their life is actually prioritized in that exact order and amazingly enough it’s a source of pride not embarrassment.

Fine, you like to work out and stay in shape, very admirable of you. But, do I really need to know every single time you go to the gym, or that you like protein shakes? Don’t those two things usually go hand in hand anyway?

On a side note, these people are also incredibly likely to be a multiple offender of this list, especially annoying social media user number one. The only difference is they will exclusively be holding a clear liquor concoction because it packs less calories and their quote will likely be, “Dear liver, going to the gym to work off this awesome hangover”. Good, go and please don’t come back.

5- The Chronic Fan-er

You know who I am talking about. They literally become a fan of every fan page on Facebook. They’re probably a fan of becoming a fan on a fan page. If you want to be a fan of something I am fine with that, but seriously stop sending me suggestions to become a fan of “Cure Brown Bunnies” or something like that, even though I certainly have a closeted interest in it, I’m not quite ready to go public with it.

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