5 Annoying Social Media Users Who Should be Banned Today

By Matt Valentine

They somehow manage to rear their ugly head on all of our friends and followers lists. They are the social media users we love to hate and wish would be banned. Sometimes we keep them on our list out of sheer amusement just to see what they will say next. They are the 5 Annoying Social Media Users Who Should be Banned TODAY!

1- The Excessive Partier

I don’t care how old you are, chances are you have one of these people on your list. The excessive partier is a particularly annoying breed. These are the people whose only interest it seems is to express to the rest of us their inabilities to either A). Get a job or B.) hold their liquor.

Their status updates are a never ending stream of pictures from bars, and clubs and delightful quotes that usually begin with “Dear liver…”  Yes, they actively try to make us believe that they are living the cavalier lifestyles of a Hemingway, or a Hunter S. Thompson only they lack any of the aforementioned talent and their masterpiece is written in 180 characters or less.

Congratulations! You, unlike the rest of the population over 21, are able to go out on a weekend (and in their case weekdays) and drink! We get it, ok? You are special.  Imbibing mass quantities of alcohol and letting us know about it every time you do is what distinguishes you from the rest of us, who imbibe mass quantities of alcohol and don’t feel the need to share it with the world. 

Oh, by the way, if you are wondering why you can’t seem to find a job you do realize potential employers check your Facebook page…right?

2- The Useless Updater

Fairly self explanatory, these are the people who firmly believe that we should all be included on every mundane detail of their incredibly boring lives. Stating that you are “Going to take a shower.” really isn’t something I care to know about unless you are Megan Fox and you’re streaming it live so please stop.

3- The Facebook Gamer

There is, I hope, a special place in social media hell for these people. They constantly spam our streams with their meaningless achievements in virtual worlds like Farmville, Mafia Wars and the like.  “Jan jus completed a mission in Mafia Wars”. “Jan received a yellow ribbon in Farmville.” NO ONE CARES! Let me make that very clear because literally NO ONE CARES!

As excited as you may be that you wasted six months of your life toiling away on your imaginary farm and finally reached your goal of buying a brand new red fantasy barn, the rest of us have lives to lead out in the real world, oh, and did I mention…WE DON’T CARE!  

4- The Gym Junkie

Oh the gym junkie, my personal favorite. They live by a solitary credo stolen directly from the geniuses on the Jersey Shore, GTL. Gym. Tan. Laundry. Their life is actually prioritized in that exact order and amazingly enough it’s a source of pride not embarrassment.

Fine, you like to work out and stay in shape, very admirable of you. But, do I really need to know every single time you go to the gym, or that you like protein shakes? Don’t those two things usually go hand in hand anyway?

On a side note, these people are also incredibly likely to be a multiple offender of this list, especially annoying social media user number one. The only difference is they will exclusively be holding a clear liquor concoction because it packs less calories and their quote will likely be, “Dear liver, going to the gym to work off this awesome hangover”. Good, go and please don’t come back.

5- The Chronic Fan-er

You know who I am talking about. They literally become a fan of every fan page on Facebook. They’re probably a fan of becoming a fan on a fan page. If you want to be a fan of something I am fine with that, but seriously stop sending me suggestions to become a fan of “Cure Brown Bunnies” or something like that, even though I certainly have a closeted interest in it, I’m not quite ready to go public with it.

5 Ways To Become A Social Media Super Star

By Matt Valentine

When you really think about what Social Media is, why it started, and why its become so popular, it boils down to one basic thing...a need for attention. It's that primal human instinct to be wanted, to be liked, and to be accepted. This instinct, originally engendered in us as a method for survival, has continually evolved around the social structures we create and so, where once we needed to belong to a tribe or clan as a way to ensure the continued existence of our species and our own personal survival, this instinct has taken on a new form. In todays day and age this instinct is shaped by a desire to be accepted and noticed on a mass scale, not because it is necessary to survive, but simply because it makes us feel feel all warm and fuzzy and special when people pay attention to us.

Now, some of you may be thinking that this isn't true. That you use Social Media as a means to project your expertise, to let people know about your business, to fill your friends in about whats going on in your life, etc. etc. but let me ask you one simple question: If a tweet doesn't get retweeted does it make a sound?

The simple fact is Social Media is a numbers game. We are all in it for more followers, more fans, more friends,more retweets, more likes, more whatever, and anyone who says otherwise is a liar!

But, enough with the serious talk and on to the reason why you came here in the first please becoming a Social Media Super Star!

Allow me to take you on a little journey, a quest if you will. Allow me to be your Sherpa on your mountainous traverse to becoming a Social Media Super Star!And on too...

THE LIST

1. Be a Gorgeous Woman

Unless you are a really ridiculously good looking man, much like myself, one sure fire way to become a Social Media Super Star is to be, or become a good looking lady; because if there is one thing social media nerds of the male variety like more then social media itself, its hot women who like social media. Look it up, its a fact.

If you're not a beautiful woman and you don't want to invest the money to turn yourself into one (sex changes are not as simple as they look), a simple suggestion would be to find and use the picture of a hot woman as your profile picture. Tip: try to get permission first, or risk suffering the legal ramifications.

2. Be Someone Who is Already a Celebrity or Athlete

Believe it or not already being famous seems to be a great launching pad toward Social Media stardom.You can even be a huge douche like Ashton Kutcher and still have a strong following.  Yea, I don't get it either, but stats don't lie. The real question is how does one become a celebrity in the real world?

Becoming a celebrity in the "real world" is no easy task, well relatively speaking anyway. My advice, have a bunch of kids, the more the better, if you can top somewhere in the vicinity of 20 you're a ready made star, (this is more of a long term strategy), if instant stardom is what you're after have 8 or 9 kids in one shot and I can almost gaurantee a contract with TLC will be waiting for you in the nursery of the hospital.  This strategy is the only one I could think of that nearly everyone can do, because let's face it if you were going to become a star athlete I am pretty sure it would have happened already.

3. Be Unique, Very Funny, or Find Someone Who is and Exploit Them


For most of our lives many of us have been led to believe that we are special and unique, like beautfiful snowflakes. Let me just clear this little misconception up right now, you're not and you never will be and anyone who told you otherwise was probably obligated to by law or by paternal instincts.

If we were all really that unqiue and always had unique and important things to say then there would be no such thing as trending topics on Twitter ( I know, pretty sound logic, because how could anything be trendy if we were all saying wonderfully unique things?). So, tweeting that Corey Haim died just 20 short years after his career did, while completely awesome and hilarious and possibly offensive does not qualify as being unique.

In fact, here's a little test. Ask ten people what makes them unique and see if more then two of them have an answer that actually makes sense. Personally, I have an awesome answer because I have three nipples and that totally qualifies as unique, but most people will not even come close to that level.

What was I talking about? Oh right, will since you're not unique and being funny is a gift god bestows upon so few of us you're going to have to find and exploit someone who is funny or unique, or you could just pay me to do it...either way.

Finding this person will be difficult. As previously stated, funny and unique people are rare breeds and seeing as how most of these people are probably already using some form of Social Media, finding one that isn't will makes this task that much more difficult.

I recommend finding on old person. This old person should be generally grumpy, but capable of dropping charming tidbits of wisdom about life much like the Old Man on Pawn Stars (if you don't know who that is look it up, that guy is amazing) or this guys dad http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays cus he's funny too.


4. Be an Animal 


Are you an animal? Can you type? If you answered yes to these questions then I have no idea why you're reading this because in all likely hood you already have a bigger following then most people do. If you are not already an animal the chances of you one day becoming an animal are sadly enough, pretty slim. I know, it's depressing. I'm just hoping I live long enough to see science catch up with my dream of becoming a Beagle. No, not the dog, but a hybrid bear/eagle. Much like this:

In case you were wondering this cat http://twitter.com/sockington has over 1.5 million followers and counting.


5. Be the Founder of a Social Media Site


Everyone knows Tom from MySpace mainly because we've all been forced to become friends with him, but thats the point. If you are the founder of a social media site you can literally force people to be friends with you. So what are you waiting for? Go make it happen.

3 Sure Fire Ways to Implode Your Social Media Following

There are literally dozens of people eagerly awaiting this post (that's including my father, so in advance thanks Pops for the "Like" on Facebook) so, I better get to it before we have a full on riot on our hands, or more accurately a small collection of mildly perturb people.

As many of us know we are constantly being bombarded with advice on how to improve, enhance, increase, upgrade etc.our social media followings, but very few people are detailing the best ways to implode a social media following.  And when I see a void I fill it! It's just my nature. 

I am addressing those people out there that are sick of being tied down to their Twitter accounts and Facebook pages. Those of us who can't bare the thought of staring at another stream, throwing out another retweet, or believing  that social media is actually social. I mean really, when did sitting in front of a computer all day become a social activity? 

So, on the assumption that you have a social media following in the first place (why are you here if you don't?)

Here are my 3 sure fire ways to implode your social media following:

Ignore People, Then Get Angry 

Here's the scenario: Some customer has posted a negative comment about you, your company, or your product on one or all of the various social media outlets. 

Step 1-

Ignore this person for as long as possible. This may require weeks or even months of self restraint and discipline on your part. Your goal here is to get this person as angry as humanly feasible. When they have reached the peak of their anger and it is just about to subside you move on to...

Step 2- 

Launch an aggressive, hate filled counter attack and get very angry, I am talking Michael Douglas "Wall Street" angry or Christian Bale angry. You want to call this person names, express to them that they are a liar, and tell them that they most likely emit a foul body odor. Tracking them down and slapping them around Gordon Gekko style is also an excellent approach. Keep in mind that your ultimate goal is to turn this single angry customer into an army of angry customers sure to destroy your social media following and perhaps even your entire business.

Sell, Sell and Sell Some More
A lot of social media "gurus" will tell you that social media is the place where you can add a more personal aspect to your business. It gives people the opportunity to see your business as more then just an entity, but as a place where actual human beings work. This is a great strategy if you want to build a strong social media following, but we are here to destroy our following like Jeff Zucker destroyed NBC (I'm still bitter over Conan).

Instead of trying to interact with your customers/fans/followers just sell to them all the time and make sure you continually use the same pitch so that it becomes stale, uninteresting and eventually aggravating. You will want to tweet/post this message at least ten times a day... the more the better actually. You should probably hire someone whose sole purpose is to bombard all your followers streams with this message, giving you the time to focus on more important things like our next tip.

Be Depressing 
A recent study done by a company who does a lot of social media studies, found that the most forwarded/retweeted stories are those that inspire awe or good feelings in people. The stories that make people realize just have amazing and unbelievable this world can be gain incredible traction in the social media world. You are going to avoid being an aggregator of this type of content. In fact, you will become an aggregator of the exact opposite type of content.

If you choose to ignore my advice about being personal with your social media accounts, get personal in a way that will surely turn people off. Find stories that are depressing, tweet about how your favorite pet just died in a horrible accident with a Toyota that just would not slow down and that your child, who just got their license that day, their birthday, was the one behind the wheel.  Provide pictures if possible.

Avoid being fun, witty, or interesting. Act is if your job or life in general is slowly sucking all the joy from your soul and watch as your followers recoil from you in fear and loathing.

I would love to hear more ideas on how to implode your social media following because I am fresh out.

Oh and please digg, RT,stumble and share this post, otherwise how will everyone know about it?

Matt Valentine is the Marketing Manager at KDF Reprographics, Inc. providers of Large Format Printing, Vehicle Wraps, Fleet Graphics, Color Scanning, Posters, Banners and Trade Show Displays. To contact Matt or setup an interview please call 888-533-2667 or visit our website @ http://www.kdf-comp.com/ or you can become a fan on Facebook @ http://www.facebook.com/pages/Rockleigh-NJ/KDF-Reprographics-Inc/209102776252?ref=ts or follow us on Twitter @http://twitter.com/KDFReprographic

5 Sites Your Small Business Must Be On

By Matt Valentine


These days every small business needs a strong online presence if they intend to remain competitive and available to their customers. We all know the Internet can be an overwhelming place and trying to determine exactly where you should be investing your resources to increase your online presence can be a tricky and time consuming task. These five sites should help you to narrow your focus and are a great way to increase your small businesses online presence.

For Customer Feedback:

 

Yelp.com

Yelp serves many functions for a small business. First it gives your customers (hopefully happy ones) a great outlet to share their experiences with your business. Second, it allows business owners to share their information with consumers.

Yelp also let’s business owners respond to customer reviews both positive and negative. I shouldn’t have to tell you that you are walking a fine line when responding to any review especially the negative ones, but Yelp helps by offering a guideline on how to respond to every situation.

According to yelp over 26 million users came to the site in November 2009. Yelp has continued to grow and expand its reach since its inception in July 2004. With such a high number of people turning to Yelp for finding the services they need, your business cannot afford to miss out on this opportunity. Not to mention that Yelp is 100% free (though they do offer paid advertising services) so you literally have nothing to lose.

For Networking:

LinkedIn

 

There are a number of reasons you should be using LinkedIn and chief among them is the powerful networking capabilities the site provides.

LinkedIn allows you to stay in touch with colleagues and friends and keeps you updated on their career paths.

LinkedIn is also a great resource for resolving issues that may be outside your ability to handle. LinkedIn Answers and Groups can be utilized to seek out expert advice to resolve any issues troubling your business.

Furthermore, LinkedIn gives you the opportunity to get introduced to leaders in your industry through your connections. If you have a friend on LinkedIn who’s connected to someone you wish was your client or someone who would be a valuable resource for your business,  LinkedIn provides the tools necessary to connect with these people.

For Interacting with Customers:

Twitter/Facebook

Social Media sites like Twitter and Facebook give businesses something they’ve never had before; a forum for interacting with consumers in real time.

Facebook and Twitter give your customers a human face to interact with and make your business much more personal. If properly utilized (Social media strategy will be discussed in a future post so check back) social media sites can turn customers into brand advocates and consequently increase your revenue.

For Getting Found Locally:

Google Maps Local Business Center

Not so much a site as it as a free service. Google maps local business center allows you to place a listing for your business to appear on Google Maps. If someone in your area is using Google to search for a product or service that your business provides your listing will appear on Google Maps.

You can also create coupons, display videos and pictures and keep customers informed of your current address, phone number, and hours of operation.

Google Maps Local Business Center recently introduced a reporting dashboard where you can access valuable information like where your customers came from and what they search for to find you.

For Blogging:

WordPress

If you don’t have a blog you should stop reading this and go and create one immediately.

Blogs provide an additional outlet to reach out customers, give a resource to provide added value, can position you as an expert in your industry and give consumers another way to find your business online.

There are numerous reasons to choose WordPress as your blogging platform.

First, it is the simplest blogging software. It is easy to install, configure and work with.

Second, it has an excellent support structure. There are thousands of volunteers who will help you solve any issues you have with the software, as well as numerous blogs and sites dedicated solely to WordPress itself.

Third, it is highly customizable with thousands of themes, and plugins to enhance your blog.

Finally, it is incredibly SEO friendly. In essence WordPress does all the heavy lifting for you and allows you to focus on link building, visitor loyalty and ad or product conversions.

Join the discussion and let us know what you think about these sites and any other sites you feel would be beneficial for small businesses.

Matt Valentine is the Marketing Manager at KDF Reprographics, Inc. providers of Large Format Printing, Vehicle Wraps, Fleet Graphics, Color Scanning, Posters, Banners and Trade Show Displays. To contact Matt or setup an interview please call 888-533-2667 or visit our website @ http://www.kdf-comp.com/ . If you like our posts become a fan on Facebook or follow us on Twitter